Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
