We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Church boner. Awkwardddd
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....