Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I fill condoms, not promises.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"