you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.