I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
