I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.