answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.