please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
