I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore