I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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