I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.