I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.