Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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