So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life