the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.