I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I puked a lego.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I understand Curling. That high.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.