tequila makes me forget i have legs
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she told me i tasted like america
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
her vagine was all disorganized.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.