Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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