I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.