I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
