He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
this will be a night to untag.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.