I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
