Texts From Last Night

GeauxTigers2014's Favorites Texts:

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  (360): View more from Washington

  Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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  (360): Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why. http://tfl.nu/20py
  Replies (7) Good night (5300) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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  (315): Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet. http://tfl.nu/7a74
  Replies (16) Good night (8631) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
  Replies (25) Good night (8816) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  you really are a gigantic fucking slut.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?

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  (614): you really are a gigantic fucking slut. (614): sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text (1-614): it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh? http://tfl.nu/0prb
  Replies (6) Good night (3192) Bad night (434)
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  (949): View more from California

  When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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  (949): When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger' http://tfl.nu/z4iq
  Replies (23) Good night (4875) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

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  (214): 1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you http://tfl.nu/har0
  Replies (34) Good night (6830) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she says it's "been amazing lately"

  (540): View more from Virginia

  i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

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  (540): she says it's "been amazing lately" (540): i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half http://tfl.nu/wgvp
  Replies (27) Good night (3248) Bad night (572)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
  Replies (13) Good night (6225) Bad night (806)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

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  (954): I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!" http://tfl.nu/pxgz
  Replies (9) Good night (2484) Bad night (952) Order T-Shirt
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  (786): View more from Florida

  If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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  (786): If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up http://tfl.nu/h8cl
  Replies (14) Good night (5040) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

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  (845): im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars http://tfl.nu/ybwb
  Replies (37) Good night (1461) Bad night (4410) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (707): View more from California

  He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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  (707): He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute". http://tfl.nu/z3mu
  Replies (29) Good night (1584) Bad night (3082)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
  Replies (48) Good night (16985) Bad night (1018) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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  (415): sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/mg5e
  Replies (21) Good night (5532) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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  (843): throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected (1-843): since when the fuck is that glamorous? http://tfl.nu/4ixl
  Replies (8) Good night (1197) Bad night (3087) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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  (206): It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to http://tfl.nu/3nm2
  Replies (9) Good night (4707) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.

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  (914): She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet. http://tfl.nu/d6lo
  Replies (17) Good night (3567) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
  Replies (43) Good night (13030) Bad night (1451) Order T-Shirt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
  Replies (14) Good night (4934) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!

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  (816): YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!! http://tfl.nu/o3fb
  Replies (29) Good night (640) Bad night (4662) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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  (530): regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle http://tfl.nu/1njn
  Replies (10) Good night (3166) Bad night (1541) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
  Replies (31) Good night (9742) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  the diet of an alcoholic...

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  (407): cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks. (1-407): the diet of an alcoholic... http://tfl.nu/3a7v
  Replies (15) Good night (3940) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Wish you were here....

  (734): View more from Michigan

  And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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  (734): Wish you were here.... (734): And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it? http://tfl.nu/j5nc
  Replies (36) Good night (1721) Bad night (6599)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
  Replies (72) Good night (11557) Bad night (566)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

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  (404): Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song... http://tfl.nu/qxfs
  Replies (35) Good night (959) Bad night (4358) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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  (702): It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life. http://tfl.nu/mba1
  Replies (18) Good night (3030) Bad night (2259) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society

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  (202): i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society http://tfl.nu/5vfp
  Replies (55) Good night (627) Bad night (3699)
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  (607): View more from New York

  How was dinner with ur grandparents?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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  (607): How was dinner with ur grandparents? (1-607) I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana." http://tfl.nu/9nup
  Replies (18) Good night (1145) Bad night (6312)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

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  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
  Replies (38) Good night (8151) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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  (720): You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset. http://tfl.nu/s72o
  Replies (7) Good night (3658) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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  (804): Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared... http://tfl.nu/czen
  Replies (3) Good night (3265) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Thats like the definition of a good friend

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  (224): You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me. (630): Thats like the definition of a good friend http://tfl.nu/1tf7
  Replies (4) Good night (4661) Bad night (598)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
  Replies (16) Good night (7573) Bad night (1249)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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  (216): ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time. http://tfl.nu/5061
  Replies (6) Good night (817) Bad night (3861) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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  (860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies http://tfl.nu/084i
  Replies (42) Good night (2251) Bad night (667)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
  Replies (18) Good night (606) Bad night (1291)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
  Replies (45) Good night (22270) Bad night (893) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
  Replies (20) Good night (9669) Bad night (1110) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.

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  (307): if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself. http://tfl.nu/s9we
  Replies (64) Good night (1675) Bad night (4550) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.

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  (360): not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible. http://tfl.nu/ukgo
  Replies (20) Good night (4267) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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  (210): drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend (1-210): I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning. http://tfl.nu/558s
  Replies (26) Good night (1821) Bad night (4890)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
  Replies (13) Good night (4818) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
  Replies (10) Good night (6433) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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  (231): bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this. (517): Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one. http://tfl.nu/v0gx
  Replies (49) Good night (6012) Bad night (1254)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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  (813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all. http://tfl.nu/2iln
  Replies (125) Good night (14600) Bad night (1001)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

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  (609): Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life. http://tfl.nu/eqwc
  Replies (34) Good night (1402) Bad night (3730)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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  (206): he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff. http://tfl.nu/ss2c
  Replies (13) Good night (8874) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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  (805): I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense. http://tfl.nu/syxd
  Replies (27) Good night (6676) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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  (404): Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip? http://tfl.nu/mroo
  Replies (35) Good night (863) Bad night (4678) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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  (518): everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/bvtl
  Replies (30) Good night (3720) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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  (519): and by charming I mean he has a horse cock. http://tfl.nu/nr21
  Replies (40) Good night (8458) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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  (727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go. http://tfl.nu/b20y
  Replies (37) Good night (9739) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

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  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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  (334): Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me. http://tfl.nu/y7m9
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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  (618): We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him. http://tfl.nu/xg0w
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned

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  (810): I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned http://tfl.nu/gdtw
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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  (403): I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now http://tfl.nu/plpv
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?

  (1-506): View more from New Brunswick

  Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to

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  (506): Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh? (1-506): Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to http://tfl.nu/xpu9
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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  (513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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  (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/zuya
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were grabbing cocks left and right

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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  (808): you were grabbing cocks left and right (808): you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!" http://tfl.nu/iaqo
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  (813): View more from Florida

  How am I a tease?

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

  (813): View more from Florida

  ONLY PART OF IT.

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  (813): How am I a tease? (1-813): Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away. (813): ONLY PART OF IT. http://tfl.nu/b7xa
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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  (917): I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help http://tfl.nu/ynln
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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  (216): ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1. http://tfl.nu/a49b
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Because men are children

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Touche

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  (832): Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child! (864): Because men are children (832): Touche http://tfl.nu/qtuf
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  (214): View more from Texas

  did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?

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  (214): did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night? http://tfl.nu/w8rd
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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  (850): I don't remember much but I know I looked hot. http://tfl.nu/1lsd
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  (917): View more from New York City

  And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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  (917): And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating. http://tfl.nu/qged
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I spit up blood this morning

  (206): View more from Washington

  That's vegas.

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  (919): I spit up blood this morning (206): That's vegas. http://tfl.nu/44z7
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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  (604): I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex http://tfl.nu/9dx2
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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  (708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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  (443): Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon http://tfl.nu/pfsh
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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  (813): We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again. http://tfl.nu/6j6o
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  One less school supply you need to buy!!

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  (443): Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!! (860): One less school supply you need to buy!! http://tfl.nu/u0z5
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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  (202): the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine. http://tfl.nu/yvwg
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

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  (678): Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it. http://tfl.nu/0dlq
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck now we have to have sex

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  What?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  In a bet, need to win

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  (203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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  (305): We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had. http://tfl.nu/tauu
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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  (804): she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs. http://tfl.nu/jax9
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning

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  (609): at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning http://tfl.nu/nizm
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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  (573): i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella http://tfl.nu/sjyh
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'

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  (303): there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame' http://tfl.nu/7sje
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  "I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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  (309): I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head. (309): "I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night. http://tfl.nu/9065
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

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  (708): Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now. http://tfl.nu/4cfq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.

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  (513): i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot. http://tfl.nu/7qf7
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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  (512): in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size" http://tfl.nu/ckqj
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