I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just threw up on my dentist
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
