If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.