Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
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Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
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