Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
sarcasm needs its own font
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
