my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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