I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i dont even know how to be here
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I checked into jail on foursquare
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle