HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dating After Heartbreak
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?