We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
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His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
His hands were made for my vagina.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you will always have a special place in my vag
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
17 year olds will be the death of me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Best friends brother. Beat that.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".