Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina