whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.