You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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