and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i came on her dog
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she pinky promised me she was 18
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes