Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
