I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?