That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.