Texts From Last Night

__kath's Favorites Texts:

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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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  (405): I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream. http://tfl.nu/lzqh
  Replies (12) Good night (1816) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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  (918): Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE. http://tfl.nu/pg7d
  Replies (7) Good night (988) Bad night (226) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
  Replies (54) Good night (1188) Bad night (6135)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.

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  (302): You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English. http://tfl.nu/fod6
  Replies (5) Good night (572) Bad night (1530)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

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  (309): I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you. http://tfl.nu/n7q4
  Replies (3) Good night (1814) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in

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  (864): I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in http://tfl.nu/mz6f
  Replies (3) Good night (1023) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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  (816): Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time http://tfl.nu/d70u
  Replies (8) Good night (1203) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.

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  (480): In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me. http://tfl.nu/5anz
  Replies (2) Good night (693) Bad night (1575) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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  (720): Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it. http://tfl.nu/6vuz
  Replies (6) Good night (3058) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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  (408): Maybe my heart is located in my vagina http://tfl.nu/huf2
  Replies (18) Good night (5242) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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  (505): I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy. (703): OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/zfcv
  Replies (1) Good night (1910) Bad night (422)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
  Replies (23) Good night (2517) Bad night (551)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing

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  (775): I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing http://tfl.nu/nqjl
  Replies (6) Good night (960) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it

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  (949): That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it http://tfl.nu/rt9p
  Replies (7) Good night (1213) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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  (860): You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie. http://tfl.nu/zzfj
  Replies (17) Good night (3273) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."

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  (719): He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it." http://tfl.nu/ssx2
  Replies (10) Good night (1873) Bad night (517)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.

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  (703): From russia with love. But also with chlamydia. http://tfl.nu/1l8f
  Replies (5) Good night (527) Bad night (2069) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You went to jail last night?!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  Just a little bit.

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  (910): You went to jail last night?! (1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq
  Replies (24) Good night (3719) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
  Replies (11) Good night (4434) Bad night (551)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
  Replies (44) Good night (1478) Bad night (5123)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

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  (717): Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment. http://tfl.nu/vmb7
  Replies (2) Good night (1324) Bad night (722)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.

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  (513): Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen. http://tfl.nu/spnv
  Replies (2) Good night (722) Bad night (1711)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.

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  (917): It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay. http://tfl.nu/aq98
  Replies (14) Good night (487) Bad night (2898) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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  (519): He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka. http://tfl.nu/8f21
  Replies (13) Good night (2417) Bad night (675)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

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  (910): A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work. http://tfl.nu/czmo
  Replies (7) Good night (3507) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

  (310): View more from California

  wait, who's paul?

  (917): View more from New York City

  exactly.

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  (917): omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing. (310): wait, who's paul? (917): exactly. http://tfl.nu/h90s
  Replies (6) Good night (1653) Bad night (619)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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  (904): Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/tda5
  Replies (10) Good night (6143) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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  (480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone http://tfl.nu/wd7b
  Replies (33) Good night (7425) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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  (573): shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls. http://tfl.nu/v89m
  Replies (38) Good night (1526) Bad night (3956) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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  (812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean? http://tfl.nu/84o9
  Replies (105) Good night (18862) Bad night (1610) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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  (906): Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you http://tfl.nu/vgld
  Replies (3) Good night (3323) Bad night (1098) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.

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  (603): whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card. http://tfl.nu/d7h9
  Replies (6) Good night (2562) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.

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  (765): On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life. http://tfl.nu/r8q3
  Replies (7) Good night (1919) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted

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  (785): totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted http://tfl.nu/rzdq
  Replies (2) Good night (3178) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.

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  (616): margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label. http://tfl.nu/4zf6
  Replies (10) Good night (852) Bad night (4113) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.

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  (301): chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING. http://tfl.nu/oa1d
  Replies (37) Good night (727) Bad night (5283) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.

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  (608): I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college. http://tfl.nu/m4t3
  Replies (2) Good night (1944) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

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  (650): Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human http://tfl.nu/6fr0
  Replies (4) Good night (2372) Bad night (960) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  True on all accounts.

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  (702): I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me. (1-702): True on all accounts. http://tfl.nu/tt9s
  Replies (13) Good night (3383) Bad night (831)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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  (314): The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight http://tfl.nu/sdqv
  Replies (7) Good night (3979) Bad night (692)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

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  (814): I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame. (724): When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face http://tfl.nu/6r6m
  Replies (8) Good night (2566) Bad night (851)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
  Replies (27) Good night (10019) Bad night (766)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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  (313): he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it. http://tfl.nu/c4xp
  Replies (5) Good night (2291) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.

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  (980): It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire. http://tfl.nu/zb3d
  Replies (3) Good night (1959) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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  (415): If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition. http://tfl.nu/fwuo
  Replies (13) Good night (9727) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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  (619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe. http://tfl.nu/jto0
  Replies (24) Good night (4170) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  your completely serious

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  (774): I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby (617): your completely serious http://tfl.nu/nhex
  Replies (9) Good night (2272) Bad night (905)
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  (408): View more from California

  I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year

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  (408): I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year http://tfl.nu/dryh
  Replies (3) Good night (1610) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

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  (202): well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was. http://tfl.nu/pkp0
  Replies (9) Good night (1978) Bad night (1177) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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  (410): They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless. http://tfl.nu/y6il
  Replies (9) Good night (2595) Bad night (1049)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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  (803): Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there. http://tfl.nu/xmpv
  Replies (9) Good night (7631) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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  (413): It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex. http://tfl.nu/wrcv
  Replies (14) Good night (3668) Bad night (1211)
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  (607): View more from New York

  Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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  (607): Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating. http://tfl.nu/yfie
  Replies (4) Good night (5063) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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  (713): the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us http://tfl.nu/zpdd
  Replies (14) Good night (6713) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  We just shotgunned beers for America

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  (614): We just shotgunned beers for America http://tfl.nu/dv8f
  Replies (31) Good night (4009) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now

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  (816): I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now http://tfl.nu/qqu5
  Replies (16) Good night (2222) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

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  (610): They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering http://tfl.nu/lidm
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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  (502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead http://tfl.nu/4b2b
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

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  (508): we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos. http://tfl.nu/o4i1
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  (212): View more from New York

  at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver

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  (212): at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver http://tfl.nu/1ssj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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  (704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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  (613): OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch http://tfl.nu/pswe
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  (408): View more from California

  I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.

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  (408): I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level. http://tfl.nu/k6hr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

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  (402): 21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion. http://tfl.nu/915q
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  (408): View more from California

  I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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  (408): I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/oyks
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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  (503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3
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  (408): View more from California

  just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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  (408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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  (304): Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card http://tfl.nu/10du
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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  (708): I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT. http://tfl.nu/yg6n
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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  (318): Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch? http://tfl.nu/y5pd
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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  (815): I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? http://tfl.nu/umcp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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  (603): judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril http://tfl.nu/m6dd
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
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  (631): View more from New York

  You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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  (631): You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows http://tfl.nu/rci2
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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  (570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.

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  (330): so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv. http://tfl.nu/d9vr
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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  (636): you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me. http://tfl.nu/k5hc
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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  (937): Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either http://tfl.nu/8shq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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  (513): sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces. http://tfl.nu/5w4e
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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  (908): We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends. http://tfl.nu/o9if
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.

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  (201): It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar. http://tfl.nu/427l
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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  (602): She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section. http://tfl.nu/g47a
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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  (407): I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test. http://tfl.nu/drd9
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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  (412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (408): View more from California

  You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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  (408): You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien. http://tfl.nu/6kyj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  What are you drinking?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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  (678): What are you drinking? (404): Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL http://tfl.nu/iqly
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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  (765): we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright. http://tfl.nu/328h
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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  (630): Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to? http://tfl.nu/fqx3
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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  (940): Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented. http://tfl.nu/jb6b
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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  (978): They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people. http://tfl.nu/oty8
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