I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We just shotgunned beers for America
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.