He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...