Texts From Last Night

TheBoyWonder3's Favorites Texts:

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  (302): View more from Delaware

  On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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  (302): On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better. http://tfl.nu/rs0b
  Replies (8) Good night (582) Bad night (62) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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  (971): you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON http://tfl.nu/6e6p
  Replies (5) Good night (926) Bad night (71) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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  (301): Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher. http://tfl.nu/xgiu
  Replies (2) Good night (892) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!

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  (716): YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!! http://tfl.nu/4ih5
  Replies (8) Good night (354) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'

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  (702): Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me' http://tfl.nu/i2h1
  Replies (4) Good night (918) Bad night (199)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.

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  (307): I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink. http://tfl.nu/yj2y
  Replies (0) Good night (452) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
  Replies (10) Good night (2081) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.

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  (716): Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking. http://tfl.nu/rcur
  Replies (2) Good night (310) Bad night (484)
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.

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  (308): In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge. http://tfl.nu/2ycl
  Replies (22) Good night (1351) Bad night (506)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time

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  (302): Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time http://tfl.nu/xi83
  Replies (0) Good night (886) Bad night (219)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  re read what you just said

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  (773): i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter (1-773): re read what you just said http://tfl.nu/07tx
  Replies (3) Good night (616) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

  (1-504): View more from Louisiana

  omg mom no

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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  (504): How many stacks you been grindin gangsta? (1-504): omg mom no (504): It's so blood brotha crip what be good http://tfl.nu/20m9
  Replies (17) Good night (2023) Bad night (565)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

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  (816): We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it. http://tfl.nu/u2s4
  Replies (3) Good night (1096) Bad night (322)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.

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  (304): I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything. http://tfl.nu/5k96
  Replies (16) Good night (1352) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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  (603): YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN http://tfl.nu/ns4x
  Replies (16) Good night (1494) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
  Replies (21) Good night (4578) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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  (205): Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight. http://tfl.nu/1hhy
  Replies (11) Good night (2526) Bad night (435)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out

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  (519): Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out http://tfl.nu/ezsq
  Replies (18) Good night (2111) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.

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  (347): I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong. http://tfl.nu/uiaa
  Replies (13) Good night (1708) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you

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  (530): Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you http://tfl.nu/bp7f
  Replies (5) Good night (643) Bad night (1937) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.

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  (720): You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck. http://tfl.nu/hy5d
  Replies (3) Good night (1602) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.

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  (828): They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal. http://tfl.nu/hfw2
  Replies (6) Good night (1211) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
  Replies (9) Good night (3562) Bad night (862)
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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  (779): I smell like gasoline and adventure. http://tfl.nu/rkdf
  Replies (18) Good night (2363) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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  (484): Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret" http://tfl.nu/9brs
  Replies (20) Good night (4793) Bad night (583)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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  (812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing. http://tfl.nu/xrfi
  Replies (26) Good night (1838) Bad night (1059) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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  (224): I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!". http://tfl.nu/pw3u
  Replies (8) Good night (3111) Bad night (611)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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  (334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563
  Replies (21) Good night (4520) Bad night (689)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent

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  (636): Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent http://tfl.nu/1tsa
  Replies (12) Good night (1889) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  did you find a tooth?

  (254): View more from Texas

  did you lose one?

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  (512): did you find a tooth? (254): did you lose one? http://tfl.nu/1ieh
  Replies (16) Good night (3418) Bad night (1193)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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  (517): Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school.... http://tfl.nu/i9vj
  Replies (15) Good night (5389) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.

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  (631): I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex. http://tfl.nu/s72v
  Replies (4) Good night (1725) Bad night (593)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.

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  (336): Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car. http://tfl.nu/8ezv
  Replies (11) Good night (1802) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

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  (847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame' http://tfl.nu/un7j
  Replies (16) Good night (3797) Bad night (3892) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
  Replies (46) Good night (4923) Bad night (1198)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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  (301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying (203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she http://tfl.nu/l9o1
  Replies (34) Good night (4423) Bad night (808)
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  (760): View more from California

  Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

  (912): View more from Georgia

  What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

  (760): View more from California

  I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

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  (760): Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool. (912): What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar? (760): I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out. http://tfl.nu/o1sk
  Replies (26) Good night (4508) Bad night (628)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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  (505): He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued. http://tfl.nu/19hy
  Replies (40) Good night (11002) Bad night (2889) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
  Replies (97) Good night (43623) Bad night (1465)
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60854) Bad night (1894) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
  Replies (118) Good night (44956) Bad night (3384) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (54030) Bad night (4403) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (152) Good night (65392) Bad night (3439)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
  Replies (116) Good night (65453) Bad night (3904) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62262) Bad night (4268)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (200) Good night (80193) Bad night (4308) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142158) Bad night (9313) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
  Replies (203) Good night (116797) Bad night (3276) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168279) Bad night (42162) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (491) Good night (133095) Bad night (5770)