Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
