i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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