All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i can juggle bunnies
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..