he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.