is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
