with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She's allergic to latex.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!