I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just found a bag of teeth...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Someone shattered a urinal.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"