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Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
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