yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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