And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
