when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing