This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she told me i tasted like america
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.