Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
